This time of year, early January, is quite a dead period for the music world. In and amongst all the year-end lists, controversial Piers Morgan tweets and “new year, new me” statuses, you’ll find most musicians spending the New Year celebrating with friends and family rather than in the studio or on the road. A lack of exciting occurrences in the music world also means a clear lack of things to write about, so we thought we’d start the year off exactly how we ended it, with an extremely thought provoking, totally unbiased list! We’ve spent so much time trying to tell you what was so good about 2014, so it’s about time we looked the other way and listed some of the worst songs we heard last year. Read on to find out what made the cut in our list but shouldn’t have made the cut in the studio.
Disclaimer: if you don’t like your favourite artist being ripped apart then stop reading now. This article is purely for satirical reasons, even if there is some honesty behind what we say.
NICKELBACK – WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
You know what they say, it isn’t a “worst of” list without some good old tunes from Chad Kroeger and co! This year, the Canadian rock behemoths (a term best associated with Nickelback when sarcasm is thrown in the mix) unleashed brand new album No Fixed Address upon us all. If we didn’t know it was by Nickelback, we’d have all guessed it was a Pitbull album based on the tracklisting and album artwork alone (a planet, just like Mr Worldwide likes it). You see, the thing with Nickelback is that the cliché counter just explodes whenever a song by them blasts out of your unfortunate speakers. Admittedly it’s become ‘cool’ to hate Nickelback, but they don’t exactly do themselves any favours by doing what they do in the way they see fit…
NICKI MINAJ – ANACONDA
Just like with Nickelback, you either love or hate Nicki Minaj. And boy does she give you a good reason to hate her, releasing the utterly atrocious Anaconda and its accompanying music video earlier this year. It’s an anthem for asses, both anatomically and personality-wise. If rapping over someone else’s beats and lyrics makes you as much money as Minaj earns, it shows exactly how the rap world has dumbed itself down to the point where these kinds of songs are considered as “groundbreaking”, “amazing” or “beautiful”.
YELLOW CLAW – TILL IT HURTS
“Why is it so bad?”, I hear you ask. Well, you’re probably not asking that as you may know the answer already. Yellow Claw is a DJ who proclaims himself as the best of the best, straight out of the Dutch “swaggerboi” generation with his fake leather jacket glued to his torso. Till it Hurts is nothing special, the track just goes on and on until our ears hurt. Hence the title.
ONE DIRECTION – STEAL MY GIRL
Fresh from ripping off The Who, One Direction are back to rip off once more! This time, pop-punk legends New Found Glory fell victim to the machine, with Steal My Girl sounding very similar to NFG’s It’s Not Your Fault. What’s even worse, though, is that it took six people to write this song. SIX people (four from outside the group) to write a song which is dominated by a “na na na” mid-section. It’s never easy to have a go at making music alone, but if it takes so many people to produce mindless pop music then that’s pretty poor. One Direction have been around long enough to know how to write a full album of songs by themselves, they better start now before everything just gets worse and worse.
D4NNY – MISSION
D4NNY stormed onto the scene with his smash-(s)hit track Goodbye a while back, and ever since then he’s just gone from strength to strength. We really don’t know where he gets all his unique power and energy from. His rap flow is magnificently good to the point where your ears just can’t take it anymore, the instrumentals are in perfect timing (sometimes it feels like two songs are playing at once!) and our good friend from (you guessed it) Birmingham is just an all-round legend! Mission sees D4NNY on a mission to confuse the hell out of his listeners, leaving them all ask the same question – “does he genuinely think he’s good, or is he taking the piss?” It’s anyone’s guess, but we’re worried that it’s probably the former.
There was so much else that we heard in 2014 which we were appalled by, but I think these five take the crown for being the absolute worst of the worst. Here’s to hoping that 2015 doesn’t present us with as many terrible songs as 2014 did!
Honourable mentions go out to Ariana Grande and Attila.